Prepping for "Hannah Montana: The Movie"

Here's how I prepared for "Hannah Montana: The Movie," a film that this weekend could knock "Fast & Furious" off its No. 1 perch.

-- I watched the trailer and learned that the story puts Hannah in touch with her roots and helps shrink her swollen pop-star ego. To accomplish this vital task, Hannah's dad brings her to Crowley Corners, Tenn., so that she can receive something we all desperately need, a lesson in what's truly important. New music videos?

-- On that score, I watched a few seconds of a music video on the official "Hannah Montana" Web site. I didn't make the journey to iTunes in search of more iPod material, but I did discover that "Hannah Montana" star Miley Cyrus has plenty of talent. This is someone the camera loves and probably vice versa.

-- I pondered the movie's capsule summary of itself: "She has the best of both worlds ... Now, she must pick just one." Ah, I thought, an examination of identity issues. Sounds deep. Not Leibniz deep, but still...

-- I read the Wikipedia entry on "Hannah Montana." Guess what? There are lots of Hannah Montana products you can buy: clothes, jewelry, dolls, etc. Sweet.

-- I read a report that President Obama watches "Hannah Montana" with his daughters. I wondered if the president soon will be tapping his toes to rhythms of "Hoedown Throwdown," one of the movie's songs. For a "Hoedown Throwdown" dance lesson, click here. Come on, admit it. You know the Macarena doesn't do it for you anymore.

-- I noticed that Lael Lowenstein of Variety described the movie as "a kind of meta-commentary, at least in part, on the 'Hannah' phenomenon." That ought to make tween pulse rates rise.

-- I read that Miley Cyrus, who's 16, has been making promotional appearances for her new memoir. Yes, memoir. I would have thought it best to wait until age 18 before beginning a memoir, but that's just me.

-- I learned (from tv.com) that Miley Cyrus is a vegetarian and that someday she hopes to read the entire Bible. Me too. The Bible part, that is.

-- I read Christy Lemire's review of "Hannah Montana: The Movie," which begins by noting that "'Hannah Montana: The Movie' just shouldn't be analyzed from an adult perspective — which, frankly, is irrelevant."

I agree. That's why the one thing I didn't bother to do was see "Hannah Montana: The Movie." Why should I? The movie looks as if it has been well-made and has a serviceable premise. It includes 18 songs, and is bound to give its target audience precisely what it wants. I'm happy to say that I'm not entirely sure what that is, but I'm not about to stand in the way of hordes of stampeding girls as they race to watch their heroine bounce into multiplexes everywhere.

So, you go, girls. This one's for you. You'll excuse me if I wait here.